it was like getting a handjob from robocop
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
