I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
