a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize