you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
