Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
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