Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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