I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
