In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
