I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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