if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
