I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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