Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize