Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
