I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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