i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
