Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
