I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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