two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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