weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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