i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
