Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
