We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
