Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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