How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
