I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
