On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
