bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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