Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
