I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize