the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
