and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
