I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
