I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
