I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
