Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
