I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
