Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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