Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
