I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
