But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
