does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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