I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
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