i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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