Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
