Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
