Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Randomize
