so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
