4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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