so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
