my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
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