My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
