Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
