There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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