he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You made out with two different species that night
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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