New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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