the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
