Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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