dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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