I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
