If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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