I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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