If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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