3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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